Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bare_easel's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
10:38 am	The past month of life has thrown me. JG is changing my life. I didn't think he existed. I never thought I'd find him. I never thought he'd love me back. But, he does. and I love him. There is an amazing life ahead of us. Let the garden grow...even in rain and thunder. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I hope to never take advantage. I hope to always better myself for our world. Our team. and never listen to the noise. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 2nd, 2008
12:56 am	dangerzone. The end of this year is turning out to be one of grandeur. A domino effect of a turnaround. It seems getting a bit of my shit together and wiping the unnecessary evil out of my life has brought me to something wonderful. It's a lot of elements, though. I don't give credit all to dangerzone. It's work - so much better, my mind is not a frustrated scatterbrain anymore. Friends, settling into habits again - good ones. and it's Jim. It's me, creamy peanut butter and him melting chocolate. ha. I love being in our DangerZone. I haven't ever craved someone's company as much as I crave his. Maybe I've never been in love, I'm not in love now ...but the way I'm headed isn't anywhere I recognize. I'm thankful for that. yea, I've never been in love. In Love being the operative word. Love comes easily. I've mistaken and fantasized this whole time. I loved our conversation: - There really isn't anything about you I need to fix. - There isn't really anything I need to fix about you. - Well, what are we going to do? - I don't know, what ARE we going to do? - How about Living! - Yea, life and living sounds amazing. Here's to living. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
4:23 pm	best conversation ever. Allison and I - mid day "blah" Meg4NYLP (3:08:11 PM): how is the market today AJVRod (3:08:29 PM): it's up AJVRod (3:08:35 PM): doing really well today Meg4NYLP (3:09:38 PM): good good AJVRod (3:56:41 PM): cool AJVRod (3:56:48 PM): dear, I'm always your date Meg4NYLP (3:59:58 PM): Meg4NYLP (4:00:05 PM): I've been wanting to try that place Meg4NYLP (4:00:06 PM): yea Meg4NYLP (4:00:07 PM): !! AJVRod (4:14:43 PM): oh yeah Meg4NYLP (4:15:37 PM): The KILLERS Meg4NYLP (4:16:38 PM): choking on your ablibi Meg4NYLP (4:16:43 PM): open up my eager eyes Meg4NYLP (4:17:00 PM): because that's the price I PAY Meg4NYLP (4:17:05 PM): coming out of my cage AJVRod (4:18:04 PM): cool Meg4NYLP (4:18:35 PM): cool Meg4NYLP (4:18:36 PM): LOL Meg4NYLP (4:18:38 PM): dork AJVRod (4:18:43 PM): hahaha Meg4NYLP (4:18:48 PM): rad AJVRod (4:18:49 PM): I'm a nerd Meg4NYLP (4:18:54 PM): you are a nerd Meg4NYLP (4:18:57 PM): a COOL nerd AJVRod (4:19:01 PM): thx Meg4NYLP (4:19:02 PM): dope nerk AJVRod (4:19:03 PM): you too Meg4NYLP (4:19:06 PM): nerd Meg4NYLP (4:19:09 PM): awe Meg4NYLP (4:19:10 PM): thanks AJVRod (4:19:15 PM): anytime Meg4NYLP (4:19:15 PM): you're awesome AJVRod (4:19:19 PM): thx Meg4NYLP (4:19:25 PM): this is what we call motivation hour AJVRod (4:19:30 PM): hahhahaa Meg4NYLP (4:19:31 PM): we hype each other up Meg4NYLP (4:19:39 PM): I'm dying laughing Meg4NYLP (4:19:41 PM): right now AJVRod (4:19:42 PM): hahaha Meg4NYLP (4:19:49 PM): I think you're brilliant Meg4NYLP (4:19:52 PM): (your turn) AJVRod (4:19:58 PM): it's so fitting that we have to do this for ourselves AJVRod (4:20:06 PM): I think you are lovely Meg4NYLP (4:20:36 PM): I think the sun revolves around your smile AJVRod (4:20:37 PM): and creative, and exciting AJVRod (4:20:40 PM): hahahha AJVRod (4:20:41 PM): ok Meg4NYLP (4:20:46 PM): oh wow. AJVRod (4:20:48 PM): im LOL right now Meg4NYLP (4:20:53 PM): me too AJVRod (4:21:05 PM): I think you fart rainbows Meg4NYLP (4:21:30 PM): I think you pick your nose like the moon shines on water AJVRod (4:21:44 PM): hahahaha AJVRod (4:21:45 PM): ok AJVRod (4:21:50 PM): we have to stop Meg4NYLP (4:21:52 PM): LOL AJVRod (4:21:58 PM): I'm laughing uncontrollably Meg4NYLP (4:22:02 PM): I know, but thanks for the incredible laughter AJVRod (4:22:04 PM): conworkers are looking Meg4NYLP (4:22:08 PM): me too Meg4NYLP (4:22:16 PM): awesome Meg4NYLP (4:22:17 PM): okay Meg4NYLP (4:22:18 PM): enough Meg4NYLP (4:22:20 PM): bye Meg4NYLP (4:22:22 PM): you suck AJVRod (4:22:26 PM): you suck AJVRod (4:22:28 PM): bye (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2008
2:48 pm	it could be worse. I can't focus on work, I can't focus on even browsing the internet. I'm dreaming of my head not pounding and me laying on a couch with the cool breeze playing me like a guitar. This always gives me outlet of stream of mind ...and it's been a while. The Devil Rays gave me joy last night. This whole weekend was awesome actually. Ben Kweller Friday, a 5 hour walk with Allison Sat., and a night into the Sunday of someone and something so refreshing. So many elements coming together - and me focusing on ME. All these years and I'm finally getting the hang of letting the bad ones slip by you because you need to think of yourself and what's best. It's not selfishness. I've never enjoyed laying on a couch watching football and listening to Weir so much as I did yesterday. Pretty homey around these parts. I'll probably just get another wonderful friend out of it, but I have some amazing people in my life. They are coming out of the wood works. Work is so much better, although today I think I should get a slap in the face. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
4:04 pm	not knowing. That's something I need to get over. I'm terrible and become insane when I don't know, when you won't talk back to me, put up a fight, do / say something. I hate that reaction. Something that has been hitting me lately - perhaps I should practice silence more often than I do. What is the point? Why does it eat me so when people don't react just as I wish them to act? It's because of things inside myself, things I'm not okay with - I need justification for the lack of ...something. John is right when he asks "Why can you just not right people off?" I used to think this was cowardly and everyone is in your life for reasons. I fail to see clearly that some people are meant to come and go quickly. Some people don't deserve to take up your time. Some people are never meant to make right with, some you can never make see you the way you want them to see you. And some see you exactly the way you wish. I've got to learn to let go, sometimes push away. I'm excited about this weekend. Music and beautiful friends. Work will be much easier to get through each day the next few months. I am officially moving to Account Management and feel calmer about the future here. I know I need to stick something out for once, work through it and get some reward. I should put as much effort into my work as I do stupid relationships. Maybe this will actually pay off. Re-Center. I wish I could go home with Allison and take a few weeks to regroup. That would be splendid. I am my own worse enemy most of the time. Realize and move on. Covered in a cloud. Rain rain down on me. I've got gutters. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2008
12:21 am	quarter life. Having a late dinner and celebrating the eve of my 25th. I'm actually quite excited about my birthday. It's not depressing at all at this point, it's awesome hope. I feel the next 5 years will be better than ever and the next 5 after that will bring all that is right. Maybe I'm a little slower than I've thought. Step before you run. I'm learning constantly. I'm lucky to have such amazing friends and family. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 8th, 2008
5:02 pm	I just put my ipod on shuffle and decided to dive into a much needed entry; Cat Stevens came on. perfect. "Don't be shy. Just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear. Or no one will know you're there." This past week has been difficult. Unexpectedly difficult. to. get. through. I'm trying to be positive, trying to have the everything happens for a reason perspective. But, for the time being I am depressed. I'm frustrated with myself and those around me; I'm disappointed. When the going gets rough. I guess that's when you find out the truth in people. Again, I'd have died without friends; the little family I have surrounding me here reminds me that you can count on a select few. Blame. What is the point. I know it's reaction, but its hard to not take everything so personally. I feel lied to on some level and tainted with this horrible label when no one is to blame. I'm trying to offer up my friendship and ear to sort things out. I guess that's all I can do at this point. Maybe it was just an icecapade. I definitely don't want to take off my skates, but I'll leave them on the sidelines for a while. The ice needs to fucking melt. (note to self: never use the word sexcapade ever. ever again.) ------------- My mouth, my trust, my passion. They all need to be closed off for a while. redirected. god, How to Disappear Completely .... ----------- Walked around the city and through Brooklyn yesterday with Allison. We laid on the rocks at my spot near the domino factory, the weather was beautiful and I could have laid there all day long without moving. I keep wishing myself some place else lately. Yesterday nudged me on the reasons I moved here though, I need to work at keeping those relevant. Keep myself, my desires and what makes me tick my own. They get so messed up when exposed to everyone else. To walk and be entertained, to find secret laying spots, to wander vintage stores and just walk walk and end up at home cooking dinner. This city does kick your ass when you're not watching. ------------------------------------------------------- at what point do you owe someone....anything? (Comment on this)
Monday, September 1st, 2008
11:04 pm	water taxi. big talk. Curled in bed, I'm reminded of the days on Central Park West. When the nights consisted and ended with laptop on lap and writing in this journal. I need to have more nights ending in simplistic fashion. I've been nudged fiercely the past few days with my lack of invincibility. go figure. My body screams again, this time I have no choice but to listen. I supposed it's not a bad thing to swing back into circle...reality... that's the big picture. remember reality megan. I'm such an idealist. urg. --------------------- The weekend was a great one. Most of it spent with Allison and her other. But, like confirmed at Water Taxi with the fake palm tree (note singular) and amazing view of the city, we are family. She is my family and moving forward family is beyond your blood more and more. Beach and BBQ days. I think I could live on those 2 alone. The summer is almost over, gross. crapper. Continuing to keep a good perspective on this Gonzales situation. It's interesting that I have to try so hard NOT to think about something. It should be that simple, for now at least. Had such a great time last week going to the game with him and his family. I'm finding myself wanting to be in his company more and more. But, that's his choice...and that's where I've gone wrong in the past. So, poof. la. vi. bohem. I'm going to make the steps tomorrow to change to Account Manager position. feel better about that trot, whew....at least maybe the anxiety won't be terrible and I can feel like I'm doing a decent job in my work, even if it doesn't thrill me to the bones. I stood in the subway tonight with 'Orchestra' from Journey of a Man playing on my ipod. I believe "Flying" was playing and at that moment the subway came around the corner and approach. I put myself in a scene and that song was brilliant for the scene of encroachment I played out in my head. A movie and the amplifying soundtrack. I think like this all the time. My mind works in this manner so vividly and continuously...when I should be thinking of other things. Hopefully I find a way to harvest it and grow that over the constant struggling of focusing on the other shit. sleep. and no big talking. talk is cheap. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
9:52 pm	like these. It's times like these you learn to live again. It's times like these you live and live again. It's time like these you learn to love again. Or, it's times you just wake up again. ----------------------------------- Some black high tops and a lot of laughter. I'm so tired from the last week. goodness. write later. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 17th, 2008
11:36 pm	joy division. I'm watching the a docu on Joy Division right now. After a day of weird emotional, physical shit. I think I'll quit what I started a few weeks back. I had drinks with Jeanie tonight, she's 35 yr. old mess and I love her, but I worry about advice from one idiot to another. My father is unfortunately true, I don't have a clue. Ugh. If Ray was interested I suppose he would make effort. My gut instinct after this weekend is that he just isn't that into it all....or that he has something else beyond the pyramid of figuring me out, either way, I'm not at the point where I want to fix anyone, fight for anyone or have to dig through dirt to get somewhere. I reached out twice this weekend. His move. Ryan came last week. I get depressed and sad when people leave. I had a wonderful time just hanging out with my brother, I miss him everyday. No Day But Today. It's about loving it. Funny thing, Jeanie told me tonight she thought I might be a little out of wack and depressed due to my own day to day. She might be right. I have all these things in place and it's ridiculous to be so unhappy at work and so uninspired. But, like my beautiful mother lately, I need to think positively and wonderfully about bringing in the good energy. Kathryn inspired me today as well, although nothing new there:) Love you all. Night. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
9:53 am	Pillow Princesses & the Do Do Pistols Pillow Princesses & the Do Do Pistols. name of my new band. haha. just didn't want to forget that random arise from sleep with "I thought of a new band name ...'The Princess Pillows'". (Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2008
9:59 am	Plans. I have a plan. I'm going to write it down so I feel better. I'll take advice of a friend and write it where others important to me can see and I can reference. 1) Suck up my job and do the best I can possibly squeeze out of my unmotivated self. 2) Get motivated w/ the thought that I have a plan and there is reason behind the madness. 3) Try to make some extra money and pay off my debts 4) Save up as much I can 5) Hopefully this shouldn't take more than a year 6) Get a less demanding job 7) Go to school to get a design degree of some sort 8) Work for my own self designing and whatever else comes along. That's that. I'm going for it. Time, just takes a little time sometimes. To turn the Titanic around. Signed. Megan Beth Hostler. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
9:50 pm	stream. all these I reach out to and I don't know why. they all give me something. And. THAT is the meaning of "in my life". "in (insert name)'s life". A walk home and a chat with the mom, among a few...leads me to a plan. A year or a year and a half of hanging on, of doing it, make some money, at least a little money and save, get out of debt, learn. Then go back to school for the should of would of could of... design school. Tim's right. Only solution is working for yourself. Where in the hell is Matt? That video is inspiring. I hate dating, by the way. It's bullshit. when do you even know it's dating? I'm too vulnerable and such an idiot about shit like this. Yeah, think with your brain and not your heart. Shit, I wish I were wired that way. negative. I think I'll be still searching, still discovering, still alluding, still trekking the universe, still getting into trouble, still awe inspired by things like the LES's idiosyncrasies, still.....not settled. I wonder. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 4th, 2008
11:41 pm	photographer, model and gay make-up artists = trouble. Yesterday was an inspiring session in art, life, career and drinking efforts. Peta's photo shoot for her stuff was down by South Street. I caught the end after a day laying out with albums and reading material on my beloved East River spread of grass. Such life and flowing blood through those moments of creating something and working on a project that doesn't reap corporate benefits. I'm more sure than ever of what I eventually need to do. I'll need to go back to school for a while just to get the foundation, save save. Discipline. Damn is that one hard once you get a taste of flailing. A few differences emerging may help a bit. I took a long run and walk over the bridge tonight. Over the Willy B, sat on the rocks in Brooklyn at the park to watch the sunset, ran back over the Willy and down underneath the other 2 giant connectors where the waterfalls and sliced moon made the night glow with easy calm. Then to get my card that I of course left at the bar last night. Listening to Thomas Dybdahl - good stuff. Simple but creative and soothing. I'll sleep to that. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 2nd, 2008
11:33 pm	Calexico. I'm loading music on my new iTouch ...giving me a thorough brief through the years of music phases. Some just stick. Calexico is one great gravy I forget about. I remember that concert in Central Park by myself, what a beautiful night. Ray is in Rhode Island for the weekend at a music festival with friends. I didn't expect at all to hear from him, or even really think about it; but I got a text from him tonight. Rock on, he likes me and was thinking enough to send over a shout. awesome. I really hope to see a lot of him in the next month. He just makes me smile inside. Had a long walk with Allison today, she is finally going to move on from Tony. It's something I believe will set her free and ignite a life so much better suited for her to grow. Sometimes the unknown is frightening to leap into, but everyone deserves that encompassing love, at least in the first years. The working on it so profusely should come later. I talked to my mom this morning while she floated around the pool with her self help book. I'm proud of all she has done in the past years to become a better person. I've wished her out of that county for years. Maybe she'll be a late bloomer. She's awesome. I just wish she could have a circle of good people, good women friends. She finds it as difficult as I do, but I'm lucky to have all the options I do have. I think I want to go back to school part in my spare time for design, but I don't know where I'd get the money. Maybe I'll have to wait a year or two. I just know I need to back track a wee bit before lunging forward. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 1st, 2008
8:30 pm	I can see clearly now the rain is gone. So these past few weeks have been a bit overwhelming in a good way. I'll start as best I can, who knows when I'll feel like finishing. Neddy came for a visit. Lesley's email in response to mine had a line that couldn't have summed it up any better: "There is something about British (and I suppose Irish!) men it seems... there is a deepness and somewhat neediness that draws you in but in the end it is the negativity and lacking that choke you. I'm glad you found yourself in all of that and that you two have been able to move forwards as friends!" I couldn't have said it better. I've been wanting for so long to truly truly be over the idea of him, of us. Finally. I don't even know what I was holding onto. I told Allison yesterday maybe it was the first few weeks we were together before he moved back home that I held onto for 2 years...in your head when you are apart for months and months you build ideas and pictures that aren't real. I suppose distance can sometimes elongate a relationship that shouldn't be. I just don't give up that easily, and this time I held onto something poison. The truth is, I don't want someone like that to be my partner in life. I would have suffocated, I would have lost my spirit. I wouldn't be the best me. Damn, I just don't know how I was blind to the things that hit me like a glorious rain after drought. I can give someone else my ALL now. I am ready to do so, completely. I know what I do need. I saw the most amazing concert - Bon Iver. Twice this week. The best experience in a long while with sound and song. His album is a beautiful, haunting yet comforting sneak into someone's year long struggle and success story in getting his life back together after heartache and questioning. A raw story from beginning to end mixed with manic discovery in music within the confines of a Wisconsin cabin. He's beautiful. Emma broke his heart and gave him everything. I know the feeling. When you least expect it, that is one thing he was correct about in all that fucking "advice". I met a man that might be something worth investigating a few weeks ago. Networking might not be so bad. It feels easy and simple right now, so I'll go with it. I just hope he doesn't have a girlfriend and he's open to the idea of investigating me - that's pretty much all I'm wondering at the moment. He's kind and quirky, he's perfectly secure with exactly who he is and doesn't pretend. He's got the interesting random personality I love that many do not get but yet he happens to have his shit together in the loosest way possible. A rare and needed combination for me. He doesn't protest to this and to that, he doesn't say those outrageous comments I get sucked into so quickly, so perhaps it might have a chance to proceed. I'm beginning to crave his company and want to learn more. I find myself wanting to share things like the man I saw exercising on his hot dog stand yesterday. ha. love it. Anyway, I'm refreshed. So we'll see where it leads and where I lead. Jeanie has become a great friend, I adore her. I've needed a group of women I actually like in NY, I'm beginning to form a good crowd. .....I'll continue later.....I'm off to my second home for We Are Scientists ...love the Bowery Ballroom. I'm lucky to live in this neighborhood, best decision I've made since my move to New York. I'm learning..... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
10:44 pm	and on. Clear, things are clear now. I suppose they always were, but now I am choosing to see it. THANK YOU WHATEVER is out there to hammer it in the ground. This past week has been a good one for me, a learning lesson in time, a needed gesture to the future. I am excited for the future. Cheers. to the future. and that's all that really needs to be said. good night. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 14th, 2008
11:37 pm	Golden The sky when I was coming back over the bridge made me run harder tonight. Damn, did I need that vacation. Edmond Oliver comes next week, that will be the real test. If anything, I know I will make sure to spend Golden Girl time with him, our kind of time...and just love my friend. Marlo's place opened last week, it's fantastic. Everything is turning out well and it's a beautiful creation. I was lucky to be a part of it and I'm proud of the design. People are commenting and I don't even have my website or business cards done, stupid Meg. I need to get on that ...*not working for anyone anymore in future*. This Land is My Land. We all do live in our own little worlds. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2008
11:42 am	Vero Vero. Here again, another year and it's all the same and it's all so different. I'm delighted to report, to no one other than myself that this year boasts the best internal experience...and radiating outwardly I'm assuming. Every year I need this break, this reattachment to everything I love more and more. It's all or nothing I want. All - everything - all day - go go. Then nothing. They both do me well. Where is the in between though, when will I find my in between. I suppose I'm getting there. My father asked me a question that creates a turmoil in my mind, I don't even want to repeat it, but he's constantly asking me about my happiness, about life, about my contentment. I DON'T KNOW. I just try to get up and do the best I can with the day, with my mood, with the people around me. I have grand ideas of course, but truthfully, getting through the days as best you imagine is a tough enough tackle to worry upon the big shit. I don't want to work for anyone, doing this business stuff. It's fine for now, but no, I do not like that life. I want to make something different for myself. That is why I did move to New York...that was my long run plan, I don't enjoy suits, I don't enjoy talking about lunch every day, I don't enjoy going in groups to get coffee as you discuss office gossip. I knew I would have to do this for a long while until I build something. I'm trying to build right now, but I struggle with the balance and discipline. I need to suck it up. Not that I don't enjoy working and the atmosphere and learning experiences right now, I actually do very much. I know it's just not going to lead me into retirement. Quite frankly, I'm sick of discussing. The beach is so good for me, running on the sand, swimming, eating good food. I feel healthier than I've felt in years. This year I don't have a man on my mind, which is refreshing. I don't have much else at the moment as I sit in Panera gathering up the internet and watching the rich lives of all the old people interweave in simple coffee cups and conversation that they spent a half century getting to. Sometimes I just want to get there. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
10:46 pm	exposure I hate facebook and myspace, although I adore them in a masochistic manner. Someone is this and that and then this. You just don't want to know all these things Who the fuck cares, who needs to know. Isn't there enough stalking on the people not in our lives.....we have to stalk the people in our lives where it actually effects us? I should stop, or would that be naive? It does open your eyes to a few things, but then of course it's like texting or emails - you may interpret it lopsided. Figures I get used again. I used right back, play the game. Jump. (Comment on this)